I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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