my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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