Whod you bang
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
