so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just gift wrapped bread.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
