Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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