in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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