I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
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I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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