I think I just saw someone hide a body.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
