twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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