Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
