Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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