My girlfriend figured out who you are.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
