dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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