idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
True college students do jello shots in the library
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
