I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
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Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
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I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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