i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
