What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
