just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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