I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
