God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
