Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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