You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
