was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
