I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
