I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
