everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
