Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
