My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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