we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
