We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
