A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
