flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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