First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We left the knife in your bed.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
