I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
