Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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