i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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