I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
