how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
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I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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