Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
