Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
