It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
