Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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