His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
