im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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