If i come over, it means nothing
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
