So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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