i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Randomize
