What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
