So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
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under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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