my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
We had to coat check the pizza.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
