you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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