let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
