Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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