it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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