I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
