he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
40s are totally the cure
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
