Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
